This post is going to start off sounding like a sappy humblebrag of how sweet my husband is, but it's not, and I'm going somewhere by the end of this post. It's kind of a long one, so stick with me.
A few days ago, J came home from running an errand with the above plant in tow, along with a very sweet "just because I love you" card. It was completely random. He wasn't making up for anything; it wasn't my birthday, and it wasn't an anniversary of any kind. I call it a plant (it's actually a Hyacinth) (and probably my new favorite flower) because on day one, it was full of tiny green bulbs, none of which had started to bloom. I stuck it by the window and figured it would take about a week to sprout, but no. On day two, it looked like the first photo above. The second photo is how it looked on day three. Now it's sprouting all over the place. It bloomed so fast!
It was super sweet of J to grab some random flowers he had never even heard of just because he knew I'd like them. He does stuff like this pretty often but, this wasn't always the case. You know how you'll see a social media post with the caption "my love bought me [insert sweet yet slightly enviable item here] just because it's Thursday!" or "my honey made me [insert elaborate breakfast here] and brought it to the bed this morning!" or "I was feeling down so my love took me to [insert fancypants place here] to cheer me up!"? Everyone has seen these kinds of posts , and it's tempting to sip the haterade, but honestly, when someone you love does something thoughtful and caring, it's definitely worth sharing.
[Insert sermon or thinkpiece on how it's easy to see a picture, read a caption, and size up the quality of a couple's relationship here]. [Speak about how obviously we all know social media posts are not always the most accurate representation of real life here]. [Personally admit here that I still have thoughts like that sure would be nice every now and then when those posts appear].
Well... a lot of time passed before I felt that feeling again. So much time passed that I had to say something. It feels awkward and self-centered to have to ask your partner something like "why don't you ever bring me flowers unless I'm mad at you?" but sometimes you have to suck it up and do it! It led to a series of conversations on thoughtfulness and some self-reflection on both our parts. J was never the type of person to buy flowers or jewelry or plan spontaneous gestures unless there was a special occasion. It's not that he didn't want to or care about it, it just rarely crossed his mind. When it did cross his mind to do something, he couldn't figure out what to do, so he just did nothing. (Typical male)
After we talked about it, he committed to making more of an effort, and he seriously made a big change. Now he does stuff all the time! Much of which doesn't get shared online, and it doesn't always require spending money (drawing me a bath after yoga, giving me a foot massage after a long day, taking the dog out early morning so I can stay in bed and sleep), but none of it would have happened if I didn't speak up and say something.
I write all of this to say. . . okay, I have no clue what the moral of this story is, but I wanted to share these thoughts. As well as give a shoutout to Mr. Active Spirit for choosing to do things differently for the woman he loves. I know it wasn't easy, and it probably still takes an actual effort, but I appreciate it.
As for that personal self-reflection I briefly mentioned earlier, I made changes as well, but that's another post for another day.
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p.s. sometimes I go on and on in this space, and I seriously appreciate anyone out there who actually reads my whole soapbox posts. Thank you!
I love this, because it's so true. It's cliche as hell, but it's a cliche for a reason - communication truly is everything. The fact that you were able to effectively communicate your needs, and he responded positively is a beautiful thing. Also the fact that you noticed him making an effort and was gracious/appreciative of his efforts is beautiful as well (I've been guilty of not always being to appreciative).
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this! You know, I'm always so hesitant on how much to share about my relationship online. And honestly, I'm not even 100% sure why I'm so hesitant. What's your thought process like on choosing how much to share & how much to keep to yourself?
hellozauni.com
Deciding what to share here in regard to relationships has always been a struggle for me, but from day one, i always had a "no talk about boyfriends" rule. Just because boyfriends tend to come and go, and for me, "boyfriend was always going to be a temporary title. Either the relationship would end completely, or that bf was going to become my husband. So when that actually happened for me, i was SO used to not talkibn about my relationship that i had to figure out how the heck to start sharing it!
DeleteNow it's starting to come more naturally, but it's still tough to figure out what aspects to share and what to keep private. Basically, if it relates to my personal growth in any way, i consider writing about it, and then i ask if he's okay with it.
You and your beau have been together so long, and you guys are so cute together (saw a post on Tumblr)! Would love to read about your insight on whatever you feel inspired to share.
Reading other people's posts about their relationships is always helpful in some way, and i figured i might as well share my perspective too.
Ooooh yes, these things do take time Disa. I had a similar discussion with Charles a couple years ago and it's one that needs reminding every once in a while lol. Communication is sooooo key when it comes to letting your partner know what you want because alot of times the solution is as simple as just making them aware of what's going on in your head. With me being Charles's first legit girlfriend all those years ago, he simply didn't know or understand the reasoning behind my expectation for gifts/thoughtful surprises a.k.a. "you don't know what you don't know." So it was important for me to just tell him how I felt, give him time to process and see what he did with that new found knowledge.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages"? We read it a couple years ago and it served as a point of discussion in understanding what our primary and secondary love languages were. It's a pretty interesting read if you're into introspective/reflective types of books. :)
I haven't actually read it, but i've taken a few of the online quizzes based on the principles. It's definitely on my list though!
DeleteCOMMENT FROM CANDACE (accidentally deleted but i still wanted to reply): "I'm struggling with this currently. I feel like my boyfriend does not go out of his way to plan anything for me and it drives me crazy! I'm trying to learn different ways of dealing with it better and expressing how I feel."
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just have to let him know! I never would have thought about it until the i just got irritated enough from it NOT happening lol. I'm sure he would love to do things that made you happy, if he had a better understanding of what you wanted. Xx
Beautiful thoughts!!! And I think it's lovely for people to share. I think the couples who over-share in a way and then break up make it a little hard for people who are genuinely in love and constantly working on themselves and their relationship. Kind gestures are always appreciated and like you said, every girl wants it.
ReplyDeleteThanks love! Sharing is caring, and i want everyone's relationships to flourish (including mine lol).
DeleteI love this. This gives me faith in one day finding the right person, because you can communicate for days and the wrong partner won't be able to hear you. But J, not only heard, but listened, and showed you what your love means to him by showing you his love. That's a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing Disa. Communication is sooooooo important for a healthy, functioning relationship and strengthens as the result of another "c": compromise. Again, this was beautiful. I wish you guys the best in life and love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for these lovely words, Sheriden! It's funny you mentioned compromise, because we often find ourselves saying "how to we come to a compromise on this issue." The sad part is, it's not always simple. If only relationships we easy as pie.
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