Being an independent woman is overrated.

The first of the month is right around the corner.
Rent will soon be due.
It has me thinking... Being an independent woman is overrated. (warning: this post is a liiiiiiittle long)

Meredith and I went to dinner last week. For reference, she's the long lost sister I discovered in the 10th grade, and we've been like Tia & Tamera Mowry in Sister, Sister ever since. Naturally, when we get together, the honesty starts flowing like it does with nobody else, usually at the aid of some wine. So we're sitting at the table, eating, talking, catching up and making future plans like women do, when our budgets get worked into the conversation. She's currently in Grad school, paying for tuition out of her own pocket. I've been there, except that was my life story during undergrad. I couldn't have an active on-campus social life, because my spare time was spent making sure I got my 40 hours in at work, because I had to make sure all those extra fees and dues not covered by my scholarship got paid. It was draining. If I wasn't in class, I was working; if I wasn't doing either of those, I was studying or writing a paper; and if I wasn't doing any of the above, I was probably sleeping or squeezing in a yoga class. I wouldn't trade the experience, though. I learned so much about myself, and it taught me the proper way to handle my finances according to my obligations (it's probably worth noting that we don't do loans)[x].

As thankful as I am for the experience, it's also the reason I'm in no rush to even think about going back for a Master's degree, so I have a ridiculous amount of admiration for the way Meredith is currently making it work. It makes me proud to have a circle of female friends who pay their own bills and make their own ends meet. It also makes me question how so many men our age can still be living in their moms' houses, while their counterparts are out here, often getting paid less than they would be making at the same job, making moves for their financial future. But maybe that's a whole different post for a different day.

Some people get funny about money. They stay tight-lipped when finances are brought up in conversation, or they try to make it seem like they have more cash in the bank than they actually do, or they make up excuses for why they can't come to a particular event/activity when it's really just about the number of dollar bills in their pocket. That's not us. At all. Meredith and I are straight shooters when it comes to this stuff, so we started talking about how we manage to keep the lights on, buy new shoes every weekend now and then, keep our credit card balances in check (just paid off my Macy's card last month - hallelujerr!!) and squeeze in nights out to dinner like the one we were currently having. We make it work with what we've got, and we're thankful to even the position to be able to make it work, because it could be way worse. Even on the days when we have to eat ramen for dinner, we understand that there are lots of people out there with absolutely nothing to eat for dinner.

However, given the opportunity, we'd both rather take care of home than work a day job. I'd happily lay my financial burdens down on a fine, tall, dark, charming and capable man who is willing to take care of me for the rest of my life. If my (nonexistent) husband came to me today and said there was no need for me to keep working, I'd immediately craft an email to my boss thanking him for everything and advising he needs to find and train my replacement within the next two weeks. Can I still consider myself a champion for women's rights if I feel this way? I do still think it's crappy the way women get treated by society.

For example, this photo had me fuming in my car this morning, and I would've pinned this picture if I didn't think Pinterest would flag my account as having inappropriate content - the caption would be "are we really so different that we must be horrified of one of them uncovered, and completely okay with the other?" And since I'm kinda already on the subject, I literally get angry at the fact that it's considered inappropriate for me - or any other woman - to go without a bra in public. What gives? So because I've got a little more fat and tissue on my chest it needs restraining? I've seen men with bigger titties than mine, and NOBODY was saying anything about the fact that they weren't wearing a bra.

Here's one more pin for kicks and giggles.

Another example: if a man continues to make passes at a random woman after she's already expressed her disinterest, he's persistent. But if that same man makes passes at a random MAN after he's expressed his disinterest, or explained that he's heterosexual, then he's out of line. OR. Let's say a man has feelings for a beautiful woman, and he's calling her on a semi-regular basis and asking to take her on a date. If she doesn't have feelings for him, and politely declines his invitations, the man is painted in a positive light, while the woman gets seen as rude or stuck up - or worse, people say she's keeping him in the ever-hated "friend zone "(another topic that deserves a post of its own). Now let's flip the script. Let's say a woman has feelings for a handsome man, and she calls/texts on a regular basis, asking if he wants to hang. If she keeps trying even though he's not interested and doesn't have feelings for her, most people wouldn't say she's persistent. She'd be labeled as thirsty, desperate, lonely or all of the above and then some. Not cool. Has anyone ever heard of a woman being put in the friend zone?

Then there's this little gem I recently stumbled across on Tumblr:

Person A: "Why can’t there be a male hooter’s equivalent where male servers are shirtless and highly sexualized for their bodies and looks" 

Person B: "Male Strip clubs. You’re thinking of male strip clubs." 

Person A: "No. Not a male strip club. A strip club is a strip club. I want a place called Cahones where waiters wear Speedos and are forced to stuff if they don’t fill out their uniform well enough. I want them to giggle for my tips. I want it to be so normalised and engrained in our culture that women bring their daughters there for lunch (because whaaaaaat the wings are good! Geeze sensitive much?) where they’ll give playful little nudges like, “Wouldn’t mind if you dad had those. Heh heh heh.” that their daughters don’t even understand but will absorb and start to assume is just the normal way grown up women talk about grown up men. I want to playfully ask my waiter if I can have extra nuts on my salad and for him to swat my arm with an Oh, you because he knows if he doesn’t his manager will yell at him. I want other men to pretend to like going there so I think they’re cool. I want to go to Cahones during my lunch break at work and when I come back and tell the other women in the office where I went they chuckle slightly and the men around us suddenly feel self conscious and they don’t know why." [xx]

I have so many instances and examples I could lay out on this page, but I don't have that kind of time and my fingers don't have that kind of energy. However, the fact that I get so stirred up over these kind of situations and exchanges tell me that I really believe women should be treated as equally and fairly as men in most cases. Obviously, there are times when, as a woman, it's nice to be given preferential treatment: shoutout to all the men who ever gave up their seat so I could sit down while riding the bus or train, and shoutout to all the men who felt I needed my door opened for me. Did I really need my door opened? No, my hands work perfectly fine. Did I need to sit down on the train? No, my legs work perfectly fine. Still, as someone with the capability birth a slice of our future generation, it's nice when a man tries to make me feel as comfortable as possible. Maybe that's why I can turn right around and say I'd happily live off my (again, nonexistent) husband given the chance.

Ultimately though, I don't think it's about having someone take care of me. I think it's just nice to have someone to depend on and to be there for them if they need to depend on you. There are lots of cultures around the world that cling to their families and make it work as a unit. I remember taking a tour of Chinatown in San Francisco and hearing about families in the neighborhood with multiple adult members living in one bedroom apartments. They all have jobs and contribute to expenses; if someone falls on hard times, there's always somebody else around to help pick up the slack. I've also heard stories from people of other cultures living in large homes with their families. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles... if they're able bodied, they all work and pitch in when it comes to responsibilities. With that many people making a contribution, nobody struggles. Nobody has to eat ramen for dinner.

Americans can be super selfish in that regard. We want our own house, our own car, our own life separate from everybody else. Yes it's nice to do our own thing, but when it gets tough, most of us just turn to a brother, parent or friend for help. Or if you're like me, you're too stuck in your pride to ask anybody for help, so you cut every expense possible and... you guessed it, eat ramen for dinner (I don't even eat ramen - haven't had it since college. There are better meals that can be made on the cheap, but ramen is all I can think of right now).

But back to the whole point of this long, drawn-out post. It's nice to be able to claim that independent woman title, but it's not like I can put that on my résumé . I'll admit, I do have this sense of pride about being able to get by in this world through my hard work, and I have yet to ask a boyfriend, boo-thang or flavor or the month for a single DIME, buuuut when the time is right, I will be happily dropping said title. I'll also be picking up my right to not wear a bra if I don't want to.

.♥

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